Published August 11, 2005
For a friend who I may not ever see again. For Nicola.
Leaving Works Two Ways.
The grass waves goodbye without feeling,
stuck on the thought that the wind will never leave.
Shelter ourselves with the suns impressions,
embraces don't make silhouettes like they used to.
I still have your tears on my shoulder,
and I'll leave them there until you come for them.
They hang like portraits of defeated artists,
expressing reasons for the end for all to look on.
Smiles were clouded skies from where I was,
but on looking down they were blessed with light.
Cliches given new meaning they badly need,
only you could have done this to my broken words.
And its helps to know that,
together we were our favourite song.
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
140,571 Literary Works • 673,487 Reviews
Inertia, 'tis me.
Love this piece. So much feeling and great imagery.
"The grass waves goodbye without feeling,
stuck on the thought that the wind will never leave."
I like the irony here- that the grass can only wave "goodbye" while the wind is there to blow it.
"Shelter ourselves with the suns impressions,
"embraces don't make silhouettes like they used to."
Good visual
"I still have your tears on my shoulder,
and I'll leave them there until you come for them."
Very poignant
"They hang like portraits of defeated artists,
expressing reasons for the end for all to look on."
All those monosyllable works make that line a but awkward.
Smiles were clouded skies from where I was,
but on looking down they were blessed with light.
"Cliches given new meaning they badly need,
only you could have done this to my broken words."
A bit sloppy in the syntax
"And its helps to know that,
together we were our favourite song."
Very sweet.
Overall, very effective. The content is great, and I think you can make it shine with a bit of editing.
I agree with everyone above... very well done.
The last line was absolutely ah-mazing. Most people know that the last line's important but don't quite know how to nail them...you do, apparently.
Wow, that was beautiful. I love your imagery and contrasts with words... this was really awesome.
Awesome job
She moved away.
that was really really pretty. God i'm teary eyed...
)
What happened to Nicola?
I still have your tears on my shoulder,
and I'll leave them there until you come for them.
that was my favorite part (sorrry I suck at critic but rule at butt kissery
Keep it up, this was beautiful.